Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a justaboutwoman named Tara. (Insert someone else singing Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman here) Tara was a good person (generally) and she tried to treat everyone with respect. Usually, she succeeded (Unless someone pisses Tara off). Now Tara was blonde, but she was not dumb, everyone around her used her as a leaning post, an advice column, or just an ear. This was all fine with Tara until one day she realized that when she needed to talk, cry, or needed some good advice - she was the only one there for herself.

This is where our story begins, now that you have a little background on little old me. For a long time, I have been the sole provider of stability to a few people. And while I love and appreciate these people for who they are, I find that they were a great energy drain on my daily activities. This is a bittersweet statement, as I also enjoy their company and have a great deal of fun with them. While these feel like one sided relationships, they are not, because I get most of what I need from their company and have no preconceived expectations of these people. In fact, for a long time, I thought that our friendships were very strong. If anything this was the misconception I held.

There came a time, when two of these "friends" had to relocate to different places. Both of these people were and are dear to me, and I thought that this would cause a major crisis in my life. The day came and went for them to leave, and eventually, both of them did. It is what happened after that I am feeling a mixture of guilt and release over. I miss their companionship, but nothing else. I didn't miss the problems these two brought to my table. I didn't miss the frustration that came with being the broken record of reason. I didn't miss the rollercoaster that was their emotional states. I miss their friendship, the times of laughter, and the good conversations about nothing.

The time has come for one to return home. I am torn. I feel horrible saying that I can do without, but we have history. We have a friendship. The only thing is, I am the only one in the relationship stable enough to give advice, and be the leaning post, thereby leaving me falling over, should any problem occur. This is not to say that I always have to dump on this one person. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lends me his ear, and his arms to curl up in, if need be. I have a wonderful best friend (or 3?) who will always be there for me, and she is a fabulous leaning post. But these two people are the ones who dump the most junk on me, and I would love to be able to... let us say, return the favor. While I have dumped on these two before, the scale is highly uneven.

I didn't notice all this, until they were gone. And now I don't know if I want to entangle myself in their web of rollercoaster tracks. Does this make me a bad friend? Perhaps. I always want to be the best person for me, and the best person for those around me. If I am half a person for everyone else because half of me is devoted to the emotional webs of others, than what good am I to anyone?

These are my thoughts for the day. I really miss my friends and the ignorance I had to the weight that was on my shoulders. If this were the case, my life would be significantly easier.

***********FOR ALL THE NEW VISITORS***********

This site is used as a discussion of me, what I go through, and is a general place for my thoughts to be placed on the world wide web. Tarren Coirier is not my real name, it is Tara, and you can call me that. I have a guestbook for you to sign, and you can add comment to each section, please refrain from anything nasty, as I would not do this to you. The archives contain some funny "episodes" and you can browse them at your leisure. I hope you enjoy reading my nonsensical bullshit, and my life experiences, and thanks for stopping in. BTW: I do not spell check, while this may appear unprofessional (there will be typos and legitimate spelling errors) it is like my journal and I do not spend hours to build the perfect post. These are my thoughts, take them or leave them.

- Tara -