March 4

For the past 6 years March 4th has always been a week long ordeal. I lost a baby by miscarriage on March 4, 1997. It was one of the most stressful and heartbreaking times in my life. While this event was very much necessary for me to have the future I am now able to have, it was still something that lived with me. I would usually spend the week before in a mood, and I never realized why until half-way through that week. Then I acknowledged it and spent the day by myself.

Today I forgot.

I have been so wrapped up with other events in my life... the master budget project, the od field project, the ethics midterm... that I actually forgot. Until Kat called me to say that she had been thinking about me and reminiscing and that she was still sorry we never got to know Baby Shaela.

And then I realized I had forgotten. It is a weird feeling I feel right now. I feel sad that I forgot. I also feel good that my heart has healed enough not to be broken every year on March 4th. But more so, I am sad that I didn't acknowledge it for myself. It is a very healing thing for me to acknowledge what wasn't meant to be, and in the end was right. It restores my faith in fate, and in God. Because I truly believe that through that little baby he taught me a little bit of responsibility. And through that responsibility I am where I am today. A little life that made me a better person in the end.

I'm sorry I forgot. Perhaps next year I will remember, in the silence of my soul. Acknowledge her short life, and be grateful for the easier road I have been able to take.