Fuck It.

Yeah, strong language I know, but it is really how I feel. This Christmas I received an unwanted gift. Reality.

Without getting into details that are far to gruesome for the average reader, I will simply state that my family is not whole. My immediate family (Mom, Dad, Chad) are together, but my extended family (several aunts, uncles and cousins) is divided like the US on which president they want in office. In my heart, like some delusional child hoping that their divorced parents would one day find eachother again, I always hoped, prayed and thought that we would all be joined as one happy family one day. That point of view, I realize now, is completely delusional and will never, ever occur. What a painful realization. Then, after a night of no sleep, crying about it, I had a friend who was upset with me because I had to cancel something we had planned. The fight was nasty, and eventually I had to pour my heart out in order to hopefully make her understand. I still don't think she does.

So this week has been a week of happiness and pain, all at once. The good news is that I am going to make it through, probably stronger than I was before the whole ordeal... the bad news is that I still have to deal with the pain of a lost dream. I said to my mom "Growing up sucks," to which she replied, "You are 24, you are grown up." I told her I didn't know about that. It seems to me that it is a process. You don't just one day say "I'm 20 now, I'm going to let go of all the dreams." Over time, dreams fade unless you reach them. It's been over 10 years, and we are no where near the reality I had hoped. Good bye dream 12245 of my childhood.

Hope all is well in your world, and that your holidays were everything you had dreamed of.