Maybe One Day.. But Not Now

Maybe one day I will be honest enough with myself to really get over the things I don't like about me. They may be characteristics, they may be deeds, they may even be nonexistant picking-yourself-apart faults.

And maybe one day the sky will light up a glorious green, and pigs will fly with itty-bitty fairy wings and sing lovely songs like "It's a small world" in pig-latin.

I have had many friends in my life, and very few of them are still with me today. Some were momentary lapses in judgment (takes a second to note that judgment is probably the only word in the English language that has the dgm letter combination in it), and some were good friends for right now. I often wonder where some of them are now. What they are doing, what their daily life is like, or whether they think of me.

I had a friend named Martin. Martin was a great friend, and had potential to be something more at one time. He was one of my friends who would have dropped the world if I needed him to. I don't think he was a "i just wanna get with you" friend, I think he was a good friend with good merits and wonderful qualities about him. One day, Martin met a girl who politely asked him never to hang out with his friends anymore, especially those pesky girl ones. So he did. Now he is married (and last I heard, he had a child), and I am sure his life is a good one. I would like to have coffee with Martin and his wife, and reminisce about times we had, and games we played. She made him sell his car. He loved that car. I hope she was worth it.

I also had a duo of friends named Paul and Eddie. Paul I now know is living with his long time girlfriend and has a daughter. Good for him. I caught up to him at one point, but hooking up never panned out. Would have been interesting to see him after all these years. Wonder if he still walks like a duck. Eddie I dated and he was a rebound. I dumped him as soon as the guy I really wanted (who would later take me for all I had) asked me out. He cried, I cried. I got what I wanted, which in the end, as usual, wasn't what was good for me.

Deserae... she was... well. Let's just say Deserae. We were friends for many years, and she was always a wild one. If I was angry, she had the potential to be Hitler, if given the power. I always thought Deserae would find her way to the light, but instead she became a herion addicted prostitute, with two children she had to give up for adoption. The last time I heard from her, the first father had died in jail and she wanted to know if I would come to the funeral. This of course, was not likely. The last I saw her, we had nothing to speak of. I was past that, and she didn't have anything intelligent to add to the conversation. Sadly, I still have high hopes that one day she will find her feet.

These are just some of the people that have touched my life, causing me to view the world in a different light. There are soo many more that I could go into. There are reasons for everything I do, and most of these people who I don't see anymore, had a hand in making me who I am. Paul and Eric and Eddie saved my life, Jesse taught me that I didn't really love him, and that possession is 9/10's of a destructive relationship, Deserae taught me that I am and was stronger than I thought. Martin taught me that if you love something enough, your willing to give up your right arm for it.

Maybe one day, I will have a friend reunion, and see them all again. To tell them how they have shaped my life. Hopefully, they will say something nice about me. That somehow I have touched them in the same way.

While these people are brief, the people with the longest standing relationships really have the most impact on the good sides. Frank taught me that being generous makes you feel good. He also taught me that there are good men out there if women would just take 2 minutes to shop. Jeanette taught me that being cool isn't about clothes or beauty, (not that she doesn't have both) but that it is about being you. Kat taught and continues to teach me that not all women are bad, and the good ones stay by your side, no matter what. Jen taught me never to forget to party and that you can always find your way out of the shit that life throws. Lisa, above all, has taught me patience, understanding, and the human capacity to love is stronger than anything - she also taught me that normality is relative. And the most important, D.. he taught me too many things to list - but the main one is not to take myself so seriously, and that love does happen twice - but it is always changing, and always different. Expectations can kill you.

There is my rant. I suppose I am just grateful for each of these people. Big and small.