Feeling........Ugly?

There was a game many moons ago on the PC called "The 7th Guest." It was a puzzle/adventure game, and nearing the end of the came you arrive at a maze. When you make a mistake in the maze, a creepy male voice pops up at says, "Feeling.... loneeee-lllyyyy?" (Please note the exaggeration of lonely).

Lately? I have changed that to feeling ugly. Fat, ugly, unattractive. Whatever. You might as well hop in a bus and run me over because there is a good chance it will be a vast improvement on the slate I am working with here. It's a constant battle. Sharp features, alien-like without make up (courtesy of my naturally blonde hair) and... well. Let's just say Tara isn't having an "I am so hot" day, week, or month.

There are, however, worse things going on in the world, and alot of people worse off than I am. And for some reason, they all seem much more comfortable in their own skin than I am. There are times, granted, when I feel great. And then, there are times, when I just want to hide under a big ole granite rock.

It's not so much that I need to work out (I've lost considerable weight, and toned up). It's the facial stuff. I feel.. ucky. I know some of you out there are going to tell me I'm being stupid. And it's likely that I am... but I just don't feel great. Since I know there are only a handful of people who know me and are reading this, I am comfortable in professing my recent personal disgust. To all of you who don't know me that stumbled upon me? Back off. I'm having a bad week.

I hope all is well (and pretty, and comfortable...) in your world.

P.S. Six sleeps til London

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And it begins.

Sales class. Chad's going to KUC and I have two classes with him and have placed some abnormal pressure on myself to ensure his success and acclimation to college life. Coming home to my family after 20 days of not being around (granted, I missed them all!). I'm flying to London in 3 weeks for a family wedding... but its not my family, it's my boys so I get to be all self-conscious, minding my p's and q's, and horrified that I will make some irreversible and embarassing and never-forgotten-by-anyone-present mistake that will make everyone there dispise me (or at least not like me very much).

"Tara," you might say, "You are worried about nothing! You exude confidence!" Yeah, well, if your saying that? You likely don't know me very well. That said... Did I mention my boyfriend (who I trust, but since we've established my insecurity issues..) is going to Vegas for a bachelor party? Remember that movie where the group of like 5 guys has a bachelor party in Vegas and they kill the hooker? Ever since I saw that, and had the slogan "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" I just don't feel comfortable with the idea... and yet... I wouldn't dream of holding him back. But I don't like it one bit. Not one bit. Everyone around me is painfully aware of this as well.

Perhaps this entire post is one big panic attack. It's clearly disjointed. It's clearly irrational. But guess what? All those thoughts just flew out of my head onto the screen for your eyes only.

Stress for me leads to panic, panic leads to upset tummies and sleepless nights, and on those nights that I am lucky enough to catch a wink of sleep, nightmares abound. On top of that, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, which means that during this time of panic the littlest change in my body (whether it be a pimple, losing some extra strands of hair, or a scrape on my knee) is some sort of life-threatening illness that is communicable and I will be passing on to everyone and everything I touch.

Again.. Irrational? Yeah. And I know it too... but this is what stress does to Tara. And this is why Tara needs to keep up with meditation and yoga. Which, I am sure is clear by now, I have not done this week. Which, ultimately, has resulted in this post.

I reiterate... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope all is well (and calm, and rational) in your world. I'm going to meditate..
"Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

P.S. Prayers and thoughts out to Katrina's victims... I know its been said 100 times, but I'm very saddened by this event. New Orleans is one of the places I've always wanted to see as a jazz lover and its my Mom's favorite city. But the devastation doesn't end there, and there are many other people in other States in need.. Send what you can, clothing, supplies, money.. prayers... Apparently, the Red Cross is the way to go. If your more of an animal lover, the North Shore Animal League out of NY is doing some great work with the abandoned animals.