Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a justaboutwoman named Tara. (Insert someone else singing Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman here) Tara was a good person (generally) and she tried to treat everyone with respect. Usually, she succeeded (Unless someone pisses Tara off). Now Tara was blonde, but she was not dumb, everyone around her used her as a leaning post, an advice column, or just an ear. This was all fine with Tara until one day she realized that when she needed to talk, cry, or needed some good advice - she was the only one there for herself.

This is where our story begins, now that you have a little background on little old me. For a long time, I have been the sole provider of stability to a few people. And while I love and appreciate these people for who they are, I find that they were a great energy drain on my daily activities. This is a bittersweet statement, as I also enjoy their company and have a great deal of fun with them. While these feel like one sided relationships, they are not, because I get most of what I need from their company and have no preconceived expectations of these people. In fact, for a long time, I thought that our friendships were very strong. If anything this was the misconception I held.

There came a time, when two of these "friends" had to relocate to different places. Both of these people were and are dear to me, and I thought that this would cause a major crisis in my life. The day came and went for them to leave, and eventually, both of them did. It is what happened after that I am feeling a mixture of guilt and release over. I miss their companionship, but nothing else. I didn't miss the problems these two brought to my table. I didn't miss the frustration that came with being the broken record of reason. I didn't miss the rollercoaster that was their emotional states. I miss their friendship, the times of laughter, and the good conversations about nothing.

The time has come for one to return home. I am torn. I feel horrible saying that I can do without, but we have history. We have a friendship. The only thing is, I am the only one in the relationship stable enough to give advice, and be the leaning post, thereby leaving me falling over, should any problem occur. This is not to say that I always have to dump on this one person. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lends me his ear, and his arms to curl up in, if need be. I have a wonderful best friend (or 3?) who will always be there for me, and she is a fabulous leaning post. But these two people are the ones who dump the most junk on me, and I would love to be able to... let us say, return the favor. While I have dumped on these two before, the scale is highly uneven.

I didn't notice all this, until they were gone. And now I don't know if I want to entangle myself in their web of rollercoaster tracks. Does this make me a bad friend? Perhaps. I always want to be the best person for me, and the best person for those around me. If I am half a person for everyone else because half of me is devoted to the emotional webs of others, than what good am I to anyone?

These are my thoughts for the day. I really miss my friends and the ignorance I had to the weight that was on my shoulders. If this were the case, my life would be significantly easier.

***********FOR ALL THE NEW VISITORS***********

This site is used as a discussion of me, what I go through, and is a general place for my thoughts to be placed on the world wide web. Tarren Coirier is not my real name, it is Tara, and you can call me that. I have a guestbook for you to sign, and you can add comment to each section, please refrain from anything nasty, as I would not do this to you. The archives contain some funny "episodes" and you can browse them at your leisure. I hope you enjoy reading my nonsensical bullshit, and my life experiences, and thanks for stopping in. BTW: I do not spell check, while this may appear unprofessional (there will be typos and legitimate spelling errors) it is like my journal and I do not spend hours to build the perfect post. These are my thoughts, take them or leave them.

- Tara -

I came in second place in Survivor!

For the last two years I have been taking the bus to and from Seattle to visit my sweetie. Never once has the bus broken down. Never.
Yeah. Never. Except on the ONE day that I really have plans for when I get there and its his birthday celebration and I really really really wanted to see him. Last Wednesday I decided to grab the 5:15 bus, and go to Seattle, thinking I would be there for sunset, he was going to meet me and we could go for a nice walk. Perhaps pick up a bottle of wine and a good movie to snuggle down to later. I was dreaming, oh yes, I was dreaming.

This is how the game of Survivor began. (Note: I will substitute names for people whom I don't know or can't remember their names)

I always bring food and water on the bus, when I am on my way to Seattle, usually because I know that getting into Seattle there is no food around until I get to D's. This time, I didn't. I don't know why I made that choice (I also made the choice not to purchase cigarettes, and what do you know, I haven't smoked in days and have decided to try to keep this up) but in the end, it drasically affected the outcome of the game. (Not really)

Anyway, there were 16 passengers on the bus (ironic? I think so) and we were all happily doing our own thing. There were 10 adults and 6 children. These 6 children were between the ages of 9 and 9 months, and they all were adorable.

One woman, who we will call Janice, was a bubbly black woman with a great attitude had her three children, 2 boys, Malik (2) and Jamal (5), and a girl Jada who was 9 months old. She had a flight to catch at 9:53. The bus was to arrive at SeaTac at 8:20. The second woman with children was April, and her three children Jeff, Michael and Kara. Kara was the youngest and was 4. She had the cutest face I've ever seen (other than those of my 24 cousins, hehehe). April had a flight to catch at 11:00pm at Seatac, and she figured she would have plenty of time to feed her kids and get them through security.

The rest of us? Well, there was Rob (mechanic), Ruth and Jared (tourists), Amber (student @ UVIC), Sandra (going home), Brian (going home), Laticia (boyfriend in Seattle like me!) and ME! Rob and I had already bonded at the Campbell River Store, he was a nice man who had 2 boys at home in Kelowna and a beautiful wife (from what I could tell, she was in the car when she dropped him off). The rest of us had no idea what we were in for.

As the bus pulled up "Starbird" hill (yes, I remember, it was the evil exit 218!) it began to smoke and smell of burnt clutch. We were doing 5 miles an hour on the I5. It was ridiculous, most of us had looks of horror on our faces, meanwhile Janice the delightful african-canadian woman was smiling and saying "Go figure, for once I am on time!" She was a great spirit lifter. Eventually, the bus came to a stop. The state patrol walked up, and gave our heroic bus-driver shit for doing 5. The the bus driver (Richard) explained that he just wanted to get us to the top of the hill so we wouldn't roll or be unseen by traffic. And this is when the game began.

D was at the TravelLodge waiting for me. How would I know how long I would be trapped? How would this work out? Would another bus come?

It came down to who had their cell phone and was willing to share. Ruth and Jared did, and I tried calling D first (who's line was busy) then Laticia called her boyfriend (who she got ahold of) and as it turns out, the one who should have gotten the phone first? The bus driver, RIchard. Everyone was frantic, wondering if Janice would make her 9:53 flight, would I make it for the sunset and wine, would April make her flight? We all sat on the bus, going stir crazy, until I decided I needed a cigarette. Everyone followed outside, where Laticia would start the game of playing with the kids, were we all would make jokes about being stranded on the side of the road. Richard, the bus driver had an announcement to make 45 minutes into the game.

"A Bell-Air shuttle will come and take those most in need of getting to SeaTac"

A group decision was made. Janice and her three kids were top priority, and then there was April and her three kids. The bell air shuttle came and went, and then there was 8. By this time, it was 8pm. We had been at the side of the road for 1.5 hours and we all were going nutz. Brian's wife was coming to get him, he could fit ONE person in the car. Laticia was invited as she was going to Bellevue, close to where Brian was going. And then there were 6. It was dark, the sun had gone down, I had missed my sunset, although everyone who was left, Amber, Rob, Ruth, Jared and Sandra were wonderful people and we cracked jokes about how D was with me in spirit. We all sat on the bus. Sandra talked to her husband who had a CRV and he could take 4 people including herself. While waiting we talked and introduced eachother. At this point, we realized, it was coming down to Rob and I, the sole-survivors, and we had to wait an additional hour for the late bus (Quick Shuttle) to come and save us from our impending doom.


This is how Rob won.

As we sat there, on the bus, I became hungry. I had not brought food or drink. Rob, had a Zone bar, and a pop. He gave me the last of his food. He became, the Richard Hatch of the Quick Shuttle.

The bus came and got us, and we were the celebrities who were stuck on the side of the road for 2.5 hours. It was, if nothing at all, and experience I will never forget. If it had been Survivor - I would have won 100,000 bucks, instead all I got was a late trip to Seattle and a refund on my ticket.

Hey Kids...

I am ON vacation.. read the archives.. there's all sorts of goodies in there.....

[I am exhausted... I'll post evententually]

Sometimes You Just Don't Think

So tonight I was really upset due to alot of things... and I did something stupid. I was a bitch to someone who didn't deserve it. At least, I don't think they deserved it. Sometimes you just lose your ability to discriminate who deserves it and who doesn't. Anyway, if you are reading this - you know who you are (since I would have called you). And of course, you can see by the time this was entered, that I did this at a ridiculous hour - because I couldn't sleep because I felt bad. So I am sorry.

I am now going to try to sleep.

A Really Weird Dream and the Science of Procrastination

Good morning everyone! Have you ever had a dream... that was really really weird? Did you ever realize how weird it was in the dream? Did you ever then take control of the dream? I did. I was dreaming (okay, so I am proving all the allegations that I am insane by saying this) but I was dreaming that I was actually IN Young and the Restless. No, I'm not full of shit. I was talking to JT. Whats funny about this is I haven't really watched the show in a good couple of weeks. Anyway, my dream took on a story line of its own (one they may want to consider) and it was wack. So here is the story. There are four people other than me, you need to know - JT, Brittany, (ME), Billy and Raul.

In the show, Raul and Brittany are dating, and JT and her were sorta.. partners in crime. Billy hates JT. And I.. well I don't know how I fit in really, but here's what happened. Raul and Brittany are in a fight in some room, where there is a patio, and I am there, but its like they don't see me. Through some sliding glass doors I see JT and a little girl (she is about 3). Raul and Brittany are fighting and it seems to me that Brittany is tring to get rid of him - trying to make him disappear. All of a sudden, JT comes marching in with this little girl, and she runs up to Brittany saying "Mommy!" I'm like holy shit! (yeah I know, hard to believe its a dream..) So Raul freaks out, and JT tells Brittany that she needs to start acting like a mother - that he made it all simple for her, and he was the full time dad, and that if she didn't start taking responsiblity for Taylor (woah) that she was really going to regret it in the future. Turns out JT is going to college in NY with Brittany just so that the kid can see mom.

By this time, Taylor (the little girl) is BAWLING so I pick her up and hold her, and all of a sudden, I am seen in this dream. JT asks me to take the kid outside and I do, because I don't realize I'm dreaming yet. I am standing outside with Taylor, humming a song I used to hum to Karson when he was a baby - and I look inside the house and see JT, Raul and Brittany all standing in there yelling and shit.. and it happens. I realized I was in a dream.

All of a sudden, I was sitting having coffee with JT on Broadway in Seattle (I dunno, guess it was for the familiarity?) and he is talking about the whole story - how Brittany begged him to keep her - how he really was the full time father.. and then he started to have a seizure. Somehow, I managed to take control of the dream, I started walked to this pay phone, when I thought where are the cops? Seattle always has a police presence - I made the cops appear and take care of him. I'm not shitting any of you. It was insane. Once i realized I had control I started walking down towards D's place, and I was just about there when I felt something inside me say "Wake Up"

So I did.

No shit.

Craaazy Dreams. The science of procrastination has just been perfected by me. I just spend 1 hour writing all this out in an intelligent manner, when I should have been studying....

Ahhh.. gotta love that procrastination.. gets ya every time.

Final Exam Season

Hi everyone, my loyal fans (lol), I am entering final exam stage and therefore updates will be slim. Nothing really going on right now except my own personal insanity, which is semi-normal. The fireworks on Saturday are the only interesting outdoor prospect and the weather has been lacking. I hate it when the weather is lacking.

Everyones at the lake and I am at home, studying and doing papers, and finals. Life sucks.

Happy thought for the day: It's almost over, and then I get a 2 week break
Sad thought for the day: Then it begins all over again...

A Great Blonde Moment

I once heard a woman say "A protective mother will take her child to the hospital for a skinned knee." This quote really relates to what happened this week between Mindy and I.

For those of you who wonder who exactly "Mindy" is, she is my Sony Clie PDA (Sony prefers to call her a PEO). Last week, I put her on her cradle for bed, and went to sleep. I woke up in the morning, had a shower, set her up to "hot sync" with my computer Mortimer, grabbed her and ran out the door, only to realize she only had 60% battery life. This is not a normal happening, since she just got off the charge from a good nights sleep. So I go about my day only slightly concerned. It is when I get home that the real trauma occurs. I put Mindy on the cradle as I sat down to work on my latest paper for Marketing Research, and glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. Where was her charging light? Where was the light that indicated she was even ON the cradle? Perplexed, I picked her up, blew into her connectors and put her back down onto the cradle. Still no light. I unplugged the cradle from the power strip and put it into another outlet. Still no power. I am concerned.

Let us give a touch of background information to this blonde moment. For those of you out there that have made their way to my site from ClieSource, you know what I am talking about. Unless you have a portable charger, when you go on a trip, you take your cradle. The cradle itself plugs into an AC adapter via a TINY little plug in the back of the charger, and the usb connector for your computer. Of course once you put the TINY little plug into the cradle - you forget all about it. Now, for the closing background statement, let me say this: I do not have a travel charger. I take my charger every other weekend to Seattle, something was bound to happen. Back to the story.

I sit concerned for a night, trying to see if perhaps there is no light because of some faulty wiring, but she is not charging. Nothing is occuring, but she will hot sync. I do a soft reset (its like restarting) and it doesn't work. I am freaking. I go on a mission to find Sony's tech support and find myself talking to Edison, a lovely man who is working in Florida. We speak and I do everything he says. He registers me, helps me through things, and then says "Okay, first we must do a hard reset". (Hard resets are like reformatting your computer) - I put tech support on hold, hot sync'd Mindy, and performed the operation. Edison says "Okay, we are coming to get her"

I am traumatized. Mindy is but a month or two old and there is a chance she is leaving me. Even worse, I would be without ANY form of PDA for who knows how long. I am now dependant on her. My life is organized around her. She is my lifeline to sanity. And she would be GONE? During final exams? During the registration period? During... AHHHH!!! This can't be happening!

I do everything Edison told me to do so that they would come pick up Mindy. I take off her screen protector (which was a royal pain in my ass to put on in the first place I must say) and clean her up all pretty for the nice doctors at Clie General.

And then, tonight, after 3 days of being Clie-less, after 3 days of worrying whether Mindy would make it home, after 3 days.... it came the time to watch a movie - Mortimer supplies the DVD player for my tv (he is a laptop) and the movie begins. Once over, I place Mortimer back on the desk, next to his love Mindy - and get down on my hands and knees to plug him in - when out of the corner of my eye, I see a little, tiny plug. One that any person would forget about after plugging it in the first time.

"HI Sony? Um, don't come take my Mindy, I am blonde and she is fine. Its called plugging the power in."

I was just as bad as those horror stories you hear from computer companies like Gateway. You all know the story - guy goes out and buys a brand new computer, sets it up but it doesn't work. He calls tech support and they tell him to push the power button, or plug the fucking thing in. My goodness. I think I got my first gray hair over a handheld computer. Wait til I have kids.