Note The Express Sign, and the Lack of Tourist Stops!

There is this bus driver that Quick Shuttle has that is a complete dope. He seems to think that it is a tour bus and insists on talking about what sights you can see along the I-5. He does this at night, as well as during the day. Furthermore, the dude tells the worst jokes ever, and seems to think that everyone wants to listen to it. Normally, they don't. I was lucky enough to be on a bus, mid-afternoon, on a bus with a bunch of people who for whatever God-awful reason cared. So we took plenty of scenic detours eventually arriving in Seattle an hour late. Someone would have been more than welcome to put my out of my freakin misery. People were egging him on and I was getting more and more annoying. I wanted to kill myself... someway slow, like slitting my wrists and SLOWLY letting the blood seep out. It would have been more enjoyable.

Needless to say, upon arriving in Seattle I was not in the most pleasant of moods. So I get to the bus stop with my american one dollar bill and five dimes. My batteries die on the discman and I'm digging through my over-stuffed bag trying to dig out the batteries when what should happen but I drop a dime (accidentally of course) out out of my hand and into the pit of doom. There I am standing - waiting for the bus which was due to arrive momentarily, digging through the cavern of death I call a front pocket, looking for a dime and 2 AA batteries. Assholes. I am miserable. I decide to give UP on the batteries, throw my garbage into another compartment and end up pulling everything out of my bag for a freakin dime. I found it. The bus came. I am still miserable.

Thankfully, upon arriving in Seattle, D had a beer waiting and I sipped on in, enjoying every last drop - expressing my annoyance with the bus driver. Since he gets him pretty much every week and never stops complaining, I now fully understand his pain and appologize for taking it soo lightly. The funny thing is, D was just as annoyed talking about him.

Anyway... it's an express bus and we were late due to his RIDICULOUS SIGHT SEEING DETOURS so I called and complained. Hopefully they will give me a free trip to Seattle with a decent freakin driver.

I Was Right, But It Was Wrong

Some years ago, I worked for this little telemarketing company in Vancouver. It was an interesting environment, to say the least, and was involved in some illegal activities that for the most part, I was unaware of. Nevertheless, I met some wonderful people there, two that stayed as friends for sometime, and a boyfriend which lasted 6 months.

One of the friends Lisa, is still my friend. The other was a friend for approximately 3-4 years and then we had a falling out of sorts. I had heard that he had said something that wasn't true, and it upset me. So I called and freaked out on him. He, (rather than saying I am sorry but that didn't happenor I am sorry that was wrong) freaked out on me. He said that he would not have me calling his house and using that tone with him. This ended the friendship right there.

The thing is, it had been a long-time coming. We had both changed and had grown apart. He wanted more than I could give, as far as time. We had different ideals, different experiences behind us, different moral guidelines. Things had changed.

It is sad to me now. I think of him often. I wonder how he is doing, what he is doing, (he would now add, whooo he is doing) and whether or not there is room for reconcillation. It was a bad falling out, but after the years of friendship you would think we could work through it and find an amicable solution.

Today, I looked up the old email address I had for him. It was hotmail so he may or may not still have/check it. The email said "if you still check this email, and i don't get a mailer daemon... I'd like to talk to you."

I don't know if he will respond. I still have his phone number, but he may not be living at home anymore. He could be anywhere. He never could sit in one place for too long.

The Nightmare of the Week - The RIAA

As an MP3 user, I suck. I don't share. Why don't I share? Primarily because of restrictions made by my ISP, but the other half of the story is... I like bandwidth. This makes me a leech. There are people out there who are hardcore and share CRAZY amounts of music. The RIAA (as I am sure you already know) is targeting these people on Kazaa.

The thing is, the RIAA is not helping themselves. If they were smart, they would figure out a way to WORK with people as opposed to working against. For example, if the RIAA made music affordable to the mass market, and the huge assed stores like HMV, Virgin or Tower didn't make a gazillian dollars off of us, then it would be great. If people like to go to these stores they can pay more. Personally, I'd buy albums if I could preview them off the net, then buy the album, having it sent to me. This would lower their distribution costs, and costs to me. If I could buy an album for 10 bucks, I'd buy it. But they fuck you and have you paying like 20 dollars for a cd, which is RETARDED when the artist usually gets less than a dollar per song. Furthermore, artists should be paid on participation. Someone like Britney who don't do shit cept sing and perform, should make money based on her performances, and her singing. Why does she get more than the song writer and person who MAKES the music. She just sings it.

Anyway, I'm done. My nightmare? Getting my parents sued for thousands of dollars. Yeah, that would make me buy music. Makes you want to get dialup or something where your IP changes all the damn time so you can just keep downloading and avoiding the shit the RIAA wants to through at us.

Motivational Speaker in My Head

This morning I had a motivational speaker in my head saying "Pilates today Tara, you must do it because your ass is flabby." I tried to shut him up but eventually caved and got my ass moving. I did my statistics homework, but still have to study, and I have an economics assignment to do. On top of that, I am EXHAUSTED with mental activity. I think its about time for Tara to just suck it up and get it done. That being said - I'm off. The motivational speaker is yelling at me for procrastinating with you.

Look What I Can Do!

I, Tara, figured out how to put my sitemeter back on. I am so damn proud. Woo Hoo.

Too bad the last couple months weren't on here. I wonder how many peoples I really have :)

Twice in a Day? You Don't Say!

Wow, somebody stop me! Can you believe it? This is the second time I have posted today. I guess I just have alot to say when there is no one else around to listen.

Somehow, the counter for my site is no longer here. I'd sure like to see if you all are reading me, but because there are NO COMMENTS I suppose either no one is reading or no one has comments. Oh well. I'm not too concerned. I usually think of this site as more of a place for me to rant whatever is on my mind, and if you want to read it - all the power to you.

I'm looking into a new online community. I would like to become a member of a message board again, but I'd like to stay away from one with any specific topics. I can't think of anything I'm good at enough for people to want to talk to me about it. I would just like a place to post something and have people talk back. If I had the genious, I'd set one up here. And then we could talk about whatever it is I want.

I suppose I should go to bed. Sleep is good.

Maybe One Day.. But Not Now

Maybe one day I will be honest enough with myself to really get over the things I don't like about me. They may be characteristics, they may be deeds, they may even be nonexistant picking-yourself-apart faults.

And maybe one day the sky will light up a glorious green, and pigs will fly with itty-bitty fairy wings and sing lovely songs like "It's a small world" in pig-latin.

I have had many friends in my life, and very few of them are still with me today. Some were momentary lapses in judgment (takes a second to note that judgment is probably the only word in the English language that has the dgm letter combination in it), and some were good friends for right now. I often wonder where some of them are now. What they are doing, what their daily life is like, or whether they think of me.

I had a friend named Martin. Martin was a great friend, and had potential to be something more at one time. He was one of my friends who would have dropped the world if I needed him to. I don't think he was a "i just wanna get with you" friend, I think he was a good friend with good merits and wonderful qualities about him. One day, Martin met a girl who politely asked him never to hang out with his friends anymore, especially those pesky girl ones. So he did. Now he is married (and last I heard, he had a child), and I am sure his life is a good one. I would like to have coffee with Martin and his wife, and reminisce about times we had, and games we played. She made him sell his car. He loved that car. I hope she was worth it.

I also had a duo of friends named Paul and Eddie. Paul I now know is living with his long time girlfriend and has a daughter. Good for him. I caught up to him at one point, but hooking up never panned out. Would have been interesting to see him after all these years. Wonder if he still walks like a duck. Eddie I dated and he was a rebound. I dumped him as soon as the guy I really wanted (who would later take me for all I had) asked me out. He cried, I cried. I got what I wanted, which in the end, as usual, wasn't what was good for me.

Deserae... she was... well. Let's just say Deserae. We were friends for many years, and she was always a wild one. If I was angry, she had the potential to be Hitler, if given the power. I always thought Deserae would find her way to the light, but instead she became a herion addicted prostitute, with two children she had to give up for adoption. The last time I heard from her, the first father had died in jail and she wanted to know if I would come to the funeral. This of course, was not likely. The last I saw her, we had nothing to speak of. I was past that, and she didn't have anything intelligent to add to the conversation. Sadly, I still have high hopes that one day she will find her feet.

These are just some of the people that have touched my life, causing me to view the world in a different light. There are soo many more that I could go into. There are reasons for everything I do, and most of these people who I don't see anymore, had a hand in making me who I am. Paul and Eric and Eddie saved my life, Jesse taught me that I didn't really love him, and that possession is 9/10's of a destructive relationship, Deserae taught me that I am and was stronger than I thought. Martin taught me that if you love something enough, your willing to give up your right arm for it.

Maybe one day, I will have a friend reunion, and see them all again. To tell them how they have shaped my life. Hopefully, they will say something nice about me. That somehow I have touched them in the same way.

While these people are brief, the people with the longest standing relationships really have the most impact on the good sides. Frank taught me that being generous makes you feel good. He also taught me that there are good men out there if women would just take 2 minutes to shop. Jeanette taught me that being cool isn't about clothes or beauty, (not that she doesn't have both) but that it is about being you. Kat taught and continues to teach me that not all women are bad, and the good ones stay by your side, no matter what. Jen taught me never to forget to party and that you can always find your way out of the shit that life throws. Lisa, above all, has taught me patience, understanding, and the human capacity to love is stronger than anything - she also taught me that normality is relative. And the most important, D.. he taught me too many things to list - but the main one is not to take myself so seriously, and that love does happen twice - but it is always changing, and always different. Expectations can kill you.

There is my rant. I suppose I am just grateful for each of these people. Big and small.

Here We Go Again

I came home last night, and my mom had bought an exercise ball and some weights. In accordance with my new found desire to get into shape, I used the ball today. Of course, the ball is a little ridiculous in some aspects, and there really is no need for it, but as for the inner thigh, hamstring, and bum stuff it provides a different route for my fat ass.

Anyway, I think that I will start documenting the things I see different in me. The first thing I noticed is that I already feel better. I feel like I look better even though there can't be much change in three days. It is a very good esteem boost.

I will let you know how things go... For now, we are pretty much the same place we were before. Not happy with the problem areas.

Off to school tonight. Wish me luck - its the most ridiculous thing in the world to be sittin in the very first business class you can take after you have taken pretty much all else that is available.

My Fat Ass Meets Mari Windsor.. Again

The hardest part of working out, is doing it. I know it sounds obvious but the actual motivation to get your ass in gear and do it is ridiculous.

Today, I reaquainted myself with Mari Windsor. I had a little laugh to myself because I'm so damn weak, and I used to be so toned. I need work. Lots of it. I don't like my bum, I don't like my tummy. And lately all I feel is fat. I said I'd never get fat. I feel fat. I feel old. I need to help myself. Enter Ms. Windsor.

Good news? I did it. I want to continue to do it. I want to be better.

Bad news? I don't know that I have the motivation to do just that.

Wish me luck.

Intrinsic Motivation, Prioritizing, and Procrastination

When does an altering of your priorities become procrastination? Let us use my present status as an example.

Today I received my funding and I fully intend on getting my textbooks and school supplies today to make my life more "organized." This morning, upon waking up, I knew that I should be studying my first few chapters of statistics. This however, was overrided by the urge to clean the disaster I have been calling my room. So, I reprioritized, and began cleaning my room. The thing is, in my heart of hearts, I know that I do not want to be doing statistics.

This leads us back to whether or not I am reprioritizing for my benefit, or whether it is a complex form of procrastination.

A professor in economics would tell me to calculate my "opportunity cost" or the cost of my next best alternative. The thing is, either way, the main cost is my time, and since my time either way is equal, it becomes irrelevant.

Perhaps the real question is, where does my intrinsic motivation factor it. Students of psychology will know that intrinsic motivation is motivation that is derrived from the person. As in, no reward is neccessary, as the action itself has its own internal reward. While I tend to be highly intrinsically motivated, I wonder if perhaps my procrastination is presently hindering what should be my intrinsic motivation to study.

Again, the more amusing part of this post, is that right now, I am neither cleaning my room OR studying. I am writing about my theories in my blog, which evidently is the ultimate form of procrastination. Maybe I should change the name of the site to "Presently Procrastinating" or "Postulated Outcomes of Procrastination" or something equally as intelligent.

Ahhh, back to cleaning the room, and theorizing over my motivations to do just that.


As a post-script, if you are bored, read through the writings of John Titor, and decide for yourself... interesting, to say the least.